It's been three weeks, five hours and thirty minutes since I watched my grandpa die. Three weeks, five hours and thirty minutes since I've felt complete. Whole. Balanced.
I've dealt with death before; have had family members die. Hell, 2012 had seven family members die. But I've never had to deal with it being someone so close to me.
And now that it has, I don't know how to function.
Yes, I still laugh, and smile, but there's something missing. I can force myself to get up, go to work and interact with people, but I'm not there, not fully.
A part of me is stuck, still standing in that hospital room, praying to something I don't believe in that he'll breathe on his own and that everything will be okay and we'll go home.
I used to think I would be okay when something like this would happen. I've read all of Allison Dubois' books, and I truly believe her when she says that the dead do not leave us; that we're their heaven and they'll stay with us. I believe he's here with me, but being here in spirit isn't the same as being here physically in this world.
There's an episode of Grey's Anatomy in season two where Meredith is treating a man who eats the heads of Judy Dolls. After he comes out of surgery she asks him how he feels. He says he feels empty. That's how I feel. Like I'm not me. I'm not here.
I am Mary Shannon in the respect that when something horrible happens, I run. I flee away from the place where the badness is. And I wish so fucking badly right now that I could do that. That I could leave this place, this town, this state and just go. Go somewhere far away and deal with this and find a way to cope. Because sitting here, in this town, this place where I'm forced to hide how I'm feeling is horrible.
I can't talk to people about how I feel. I don't talk about my feelings. I just can't. I'm not wired that way. I need to work things out on my own. Generally, I write, but with this, it's almost as if it's too much.
I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to sleep, because even my dreams upset me. I wish I would feel better, but I know it's going to take time. I just wish I knew how I could help myself.
Calling all angels,
Walk me through this one, walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone
Calling all angels,
We're trying, we're hoping, we're hurting, we're loving
We're crying, we're calling 'Cause we're not sure how this goes.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Friday, March 4, 2011
Updated Bucket List
1.) Go to Australia Zoo and meet Teri, Bindi and Robert. (I love animals.)
2.) Have Teri Irwin sign my copy of Steve & Me. (That book makes me cry.)
3.) Get a novel published. (I'm a writer....)
4.) Learn to surf. (It looks fun! And I love the water/beach.)
5.) Become a foster mom. (Everyone deserves to be loved.)
6.) Write a TV pilot and get it on the air. (Cuz it'll be awesome.)
7.) Meet Lucy Lawless. (My idol <3 )
8.) Go back to Italy. (Beautiful country.)
9.) Visit Greece. (The country that's been haunting me for sixteen years....thanks Xena.)
10.) Work in Africa. (I wanna help people.)
11.) Join the Peace Corps. (I can travel and help people!)
12.) Help troubled teens. (It's something I've always wanted to do.)
13.) Run a shelter for the homeless. (Again, something I've always wanted to do.)
14.) Ride an elephant. (Exotic. And I love elephants.)
15.) Meet Mackenzie Phillips. (I'd ask her to sing for me. Oh wait, she already has....)
16.) Get married. (Or not....but having someone is what I want.)
17.) Have kids. (<3)
18.) Learn Italian. (That is a need....)
19.) Go to a Xena Convention (Yes, because I'm that kind of Xena-freak.)
20.) Swim with sharks. (Yes, sharks. Not dolphins, but sharks.)
21.) See the Irish countryside. (And not just the damn airport!)
22.) Learn to play piano. (Because my hands are too tiny for me to play guitar.)
23.) Go to Ozzfest! (Because I'm an Ozzy freak, too!)
24.) Do yoga with Hudson Leick. (Awesome as hell! Gotta start doing it before I do it with her so she doesn't laugh. Or do the Callisto scream....)
25.) Adopt animals. (Again, I love animals.)
26.) Become more outgoing. (HA! That could take a lot of time....)
27.) Cook with Rob Tapert. (Apparently he's a fabulous cook....)
28.) Teach Kira to be girly. (Yeah, I actually *do* want to teach her that.)
29.) Move somewhere warm. (I don't like the cold.)
30.) Visit New Zealand. (The place that makes me think Greece!)
2.) Have Teri Irwin sign my copy of Steve & Me. (That book makes me cry.)
3.) Get a novel published. (I'm a writer....)
4.) Learn to surf. (It looks fun! And I love the water/beach.)
5.) Become a foster mom. (Everyone deserves to be loved.)
6.) Write a TV pilot and get it on the air. (Cuz it'll be awesome.)
7.) Meet Lucy Lawless. (My idol <3 )
8.) Go back to Italy. (Beautiful country.)
9.) Visit Greece. (The country that's been haunting me for sixteen years....thanks Xena.)
10.) Work in Africa. (I wanna help people.)
11.) Join the Peace Corps. (I can travel and help people!)
12.) Help troubled teens. (It's something I've always wanted to do.)
13.) Run a shelter for the homeless. (Again, something I've always wanted to do.)
14.) Ride an elephant. (Exotic. And I love elephants.)
15.) Meet Mackenzie Phillips. (I'd ask her to sing for me. Oh wait, she already has....)
16.) Get married. (Or not....but having someone is what I want.)
17.) Have kids. (<3)
18.) Learn Italian. (That is a need....)
19.) Go to a Xena Convention (Yes, because I'm that kind of Xena-freak.)
20.) Swim with sharks. (Yes, sharks. Not dolphins, but sharks.)
21.) See the Irish countryside. (And not just the damn airport!)
22.) Learn to play piano. (Because my hands are too tiny for me to play guitar.)
23.) Go to Ozzfest! (Because I'm an Ozzy freak, too!)
24.) Do yoga with Hudson Leick. (Awesome as hell! Gotta start doing it before I do it with her so she doesn't laugh. Or do the Callisto scream....)
25.) Adopt animals. (Again, I love animals.)
26.) Become more outgoing. (HA! That could take a lot of time....)
27.) Cook with Rob Tapert. (Apparently he's a fabulous cook....)
28.) Teach Kira to be girly. (Yeah, I actually *do* want to teach her that.)
29.) Move somewhere warm. (I don't like the cold.)
30.) Visit New Zealand. (The place that makes me think Greece!)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Life After Death
Life After Death
There are many people and cultures in our world that believe after we die, our souls still live on without our physical beings. Reincarnation is one way of looking at how our souls still live after we part ways with our body. Many psychics believe that we are not entirely gone when we die. For as many cultures that believe in life after death, there are ones that believe once you die, that's it; your soul is stuck in one place for the rest of eternity. Though there is nothing that proves or disproves life after death, it is still something that is debated quite often.
Reincarnation is the belief that once a person dies their soul is then put into the body of a newborn. Your actions in the life you lived before dictate how your life will be in the next one. While your physical body is not present, it is your soul or spirit that continually lives on through many different lives and times. The concept of reincarnation is accepted in most eastern cultures and in new age cultures. In Hinduism the way a person gets reincarnated is through their karma, whether it be good or bad. In the New Age philosphy, reincarnation is one's soul progressing through eternity.
Psychics are avid believers in life after death. Many psychics, such as Allison Dubois, Lisa Williams and Slyvia Brown, have written books on the subject. Allison Dubois has written three books on the subject, weaving in the experiences of herself and others who have come in contact with the afterlife. In her first book, Don't Kiss Them Goodbye, Allison writes about how the people we love are never truly gone, even when they die. Their spirits stay and watch us, sometimes even helping to guide us in the right direction.
Most western cultures, such as Christianity, believe that once a person dies, that is it; there is nothing more for them. The way life after death is viewed is by the soul moving to one of two places after they leave their physical body. If a person is good, then their soul can go to Heaven and be among other beings of light. If a person is bad, their soul gets cast down into the pits of Hell where they are tortured for the rest of eternity. This idea started back in ancient Greece where evil do-ers were thrown into the pits of Tartarus while heroes were allowed access to the Elysian Fields.
Many religions accept it while many others deny that it happens. Our souls can either continue on until the end of time, picking new bodies or we may simply end up in Heaven or Hell. Life after death is something that is going to be debated for the rest of time as nobody can prove or disprove it.
There are many people and cultures in our world that believe after we die, our souls still live on without our physical beings. Reincarnation is one way of looking at how our souls still live after we part ways with our body. Many psychics believe that we are not entirely gone when we die. For as many cultures that believe in life after death, there are ones that believe once you die, that's it; your soul is stuck in one place for the rest of eternity. Though there is nothing that proves or disproves life after death, it is still something that is debated quite often.
Reincarnation is the belief that once a person dies their soul is then put into the body of a newborn. Your actions in the life you lived before dictate how your life will be in the next one. While your physical body is not present, it is your soul or spirit that continually lives on through many different lives and times. The concept of reincarnation is accepted in most eastern cultures and in new age cultures. In Hinduism the way a person gets reincarnated is through their karma, whether it be good or bad. In the New Age philosphy, reincarnation is one's soul progressing through eternity.
Psychics are avid believers in life after death. Many psychics, such as Allison Dubois, Lisa Williams and Slyvia Brown, have written books on the subject. Allison Dubois has written three books on the subject, weaving in the experiences of herself and others who have come in contact with the afterlife. In her first book, Don't Kiss Them Goodbye, Allison writes about how the people we love are never truly gone, even when they die. Their spirits stay and watch us, sometimes even helping to guide us in the right direction.
Most western cultures, such as Christianity, believe that once a person dies, that is it; there is nothing more for them. The way life after death is viewed is by the soul moving to one of two places after they leave their physical body. If a person is good, then their soul can go to Heaven and be among other beings of light. If a person is bad, their soul gets cast down into the pits of Hell where they are tortured for the rest of eternity. This idea started back in ancient Greece where evil do-ers were thrown into the pits of Tartarus while heroes were allowed access to the Elysian Fields.
Many religions accept it while many others deny that it happens. Our souls can either continue on until the end of time, picking new bodies or we may simply end up in Heaven or Hell. Life after death is something that is going to be debated for the rest of time as nobody can prove or disprove it.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Another Bucket List Update (even though it's short)
24.) Do yoga with Hudson Leick.
25.) Adopt animals.
26.) Become more outgoing. (HA! That could take a lot of time....)
25.) Adopt animals.
26.) Become more outgoing. (HA! That could take a lot of time....)
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Dear Me
Dear Me,
You've got to not let her bring you down. I know it still hurts and some of those wounds never healed, but you're strong. Yes, she was a huge part of your life, pretty much your sister and being betrayed by someone who is family is really like a knife in the gut. But you can do this. You turned into an amazing person and you do have her to thank for that. She made you strong. Even though it hurt and it still hurts, you're strong. Because of her you met some extraordinary people.
And yes I know you want to get rich and famous and rub it in her face and secretly hope she goes broke, but you're a good person. And I know that you still wonder what it would be like if she didn't betray you, if you were still friends and still laughing about the silly adventures you had. But everything happens for a reason. She was only supposed to be in your life for that amount of time. She served her purpose. It's time for you to let go of her.
I know it is going to take some time for you to fully committ to this, but you'll feel so much better once you do. And who knows, karma might not be fully done with her. =)
So let go. You can remember all that you had with her and smile at the memories, but don't let them bring you down. Don't let them have power of you anymore. You've got confidence, you're smart and beautiful. Anyone who says anything different is wrong.
(You're sounding like Gabrielle, pre-warrior. Stop writing to yourself now....stop it!....I said stop!....)
You've got to not let her bring you down. I know it still hurts and some of those wounds never healed, but you're strong. Yes, she was a huge part of your life, pretty much your sister and being betrayed by someone who is family is really like a knife in the gut. But you can do this. You turned into an amazing person and you do have her to thank for that. She made you strong. Even though it hurt and it still hurts, you're strong. Because of her you met some extraordinary people.
And yes I know you want to get rich and famous and rub it in her face and secretly hope she goes broke, but you're a good person. And I know that you still wonder what it would be like if she didn't betray you, if you were still friends and still laughing about the silly adventures you had. But everything happens for a reason. She was only supposed to be in your life for that amount of time. She served her purpose. It's time for you to let go of her.
I know it is going to take some time for you to fully committ to this, but you'll feel so much better once you do. And who knows, karma might not be fully done with her. =)
So let go. You can remember all that you had with her and smile at the memories, but don't let them bring you down. Don't let them have power of you anymore. You've got confidence, you're smart and beautiful. Anyone who says anything different is wrong.
(You're sounding like Gabrielle, pre-warrior. Stop writing to yourself now....stop it!....I said stop!....)
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Dream
Time for another installment of my dreams!
I had a baby boy. He was absolutely goregous. Dark black hair, bright blue eyes, sweet smile. I fell in love with him instantly. I bonded with him. I got to see him grow for a while and experience his first word. I loved him so much.
Then I woke up and I had this overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. And it's been clinging to me all day, wrapping itself around me. I physically feel like I'm missing a part of me and I can't understany why I feel that way. That beautiful little boy with his bright blue eyes is haunting me. How is it I can miss this little boy so much when he doesn't even exist?
I've had dreams before about having kids, but this one was just so different. I'm still clinging to the mental pictures I have of him. I think the part that is getting to me the most is in my dream I was nursing him. When a mother nurses her child, they bond. Maybe that's why I still feel this sense of loss? I don't know what it is, but I miss my baby.
I had a baby boy. He was absolutely goregous. Dark black hair, bright blue eyes, sweet smile. I fell in love with him instantly. I bonded with him. I got to see him grow for a while and experience his first word. I loved him so much.
Then I woke up and I had this overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. And it's been clinging to me all day, wrapping itself around me. I physically feel like I'm missing a part of me and I can't understany why I feel that way. That beautiful little boy with his bright blue eyes is haunting me. How is it I can miss this little boy so much when he doesn't even exist?
I've had dreams before about having kids, but this one was just so different. I'm still clinging to the mental pictures I have of him. I think the part that is getting to me the most is in my dream I was nursing him. When a mother nurses her child, they bond. Maybe that's why I still feel this sense of loss? I don't know what it is, but I miss my baby.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Me and My Best Friend
For those of you who watch Grey's Anatomy:
"Wanna get a drink?"
"Sure, although it probably shouldn't be alcohol cuz I'm trying to get pregnant and apparently alcohol will make my baby have three heads and sixteen toes."
"Oh. Wanna get some crack-cocaine?" (Cristina and Meredith)
That is me and my best friend. We act like that. We talk like that. We've got a relationship that nobody understands because we can just look at each other and know what the other is thinking. Pretty much every Cristina and Meredith scene is me and Hailey.
We've been friends for nearly sixteen years. I can not live without that crazy girl in my life.
"Wanna get a drink?"
"Sure, although it probably shouldn't be alcohol cuz I'm trying to get pregnant and apparently alcohol will make my baby have three heads and sixteen toes."
"Oh. Wanna get some crack-cocaine?" (Cristina and Meredith)
That is me and my best friend. We act like that. We talk like that. We've got a relationship that nobody understands because we can just look at each other and know what the other is thinking. Pretty much every Cristina and Meredith scene is me and Hailey.
We've been friends for nearly sixteen years. I can not live without that crazy girl in my life.
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