It's been three weeks, five hours and thirty minutes since I watched my grandpa die. Three weeks, five hours and thirty minutes since I've felt complete. Whole. Balanced.
I've dealt with death before; have had family members die. Hell, 2012 had seven family members die. But I've never had to deal with it being someone so close to me.
And now that it has, I don't know how to function.
Yes, I still laugh, and smile, but there's something missing. I can force myself to get up, go to work and interact with people, but I'm not there, not fully.
A part of me is stuck, still standing in that hospital room, praying to something I don't believe in that he'll breathe on his own and that everything will be okay and we'll go home.
I used to think I would be okay when something like this would happen. I've read all of Allison Dubois' books, and I truly believe her when she says that the dead do not leave us; that we're their heaven and they'll stay with us. I believe he's here with me, but being here in spirit isn't the same as being here physically in this world.
There's an episode of Grey's Anatomy in season two where Meredith is treating a man who eats the heads of Judy Dolls. After he comes out of surgery she asks him how he feels. He says he feels empty. That's how I feel. Like I'm not me. I'm not here.
I am Mary Shannon in the respect that when something horrible happens, I run. I flee away from the place where the badness is. And I wish so fucking badly right now that I could do that. That I could leave this place, this town, this state and just go. Go somewhere far away and deal with this and find a way to cope. Because sitting here, in this town, this place where I'm forced to hide how I'm feeling is horrible.
I can't talk to people about how I feel. I don't talk about my feelings. I just can't. I'm not wired that way. I need to work things out on my own. Generally, I write, but with this, it's almost as if it's too much.
I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to sleep, because even my dreams upset me. I wish I would feel better, but I know it's going to take time. I just wish I knew how I could help myself.
Calling all angels,
Walk me through this one, walk me through this one
Don't leave me alone
Calling all angels,
We're trying, we're hoping, we're hurting, we're loving
We're crying, we're calling 'Cause we're not sure how this goes.
