Skin ~ Alexz Johnson

I drift away to a place
Another kind of life
Take away the pain
I create my paradise

Everything I've held
Has hit the wall
What used to be yours
Isn't yours at all

Falling apart, and all that I'm asking
Is it a crime, am I overreacting

Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

So what you had didn't fit
Among the pretty things
Never fear, never fear
I now know where you've been

Braids have been un-tied
As ribbons fall away
Leave the consequence
But my tears you'll taste

Falling apart and all that I question
Is this a dream or is this my lesson

Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

I don't believe I'll be alright
I don't believe I'll be OK
I don't believe how you've thrown me away
I do believe you didn't try
I do blame you for every lie
When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine

Oh, he's under my skin
Just give me something to get rid of him
I've got a reason now to bury this alive
Another little white lie

Oh my permission to sin
You might have started my reckoning
I've got a reason now to bury him alive
Another little white lie

Heartbeat

I was sitting here, with my hand over my heart just feeling it beat. And I began to cry, thinking about the people I had lost and nearly lost. How precious is a heartbeat? People take life for granted.

I don't want to. I want to live every moment.

Dream

I'm in a huge house that has many rooms and secret passages. I walk down a hallway and see two doors on my right. The first door is to a bathroom. The second door opens to a dark room. On the wall there are three switches. I flick them all on and as soon as I do, lights come on and growling starts. There is a bear in a cage that is starting to open up growling at me. So I hit one of the switches because I know it controls the bear's cage.

I turn and walk out of that room and turn into another hallway. I can hear voices floating from the room I am walking into. As I step into it, the voices I heard become silent. In the middle of the room is a tub filled with water. I see my reflection in it before the water starts to churn. It settles and words begin to form out of something that is red.(Not sure what it is though) I can't make out the words though.

Then I hear people fighting and I turn around, but before I see anything, I wake up.

Scared and Strength

I was scared last night. Beyond belief. To the point of trembling. I can't even remember the last time something scared me like that. I couldn't sleep. And when I did, my dreams did nothing but exacerbate my fears. Several times I woke up crying and gasping for breath. I did grab for my phone a bunch of times too; Looking to see if I missed a call or a text. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Two years ago my best friend tried to kill herself. She downed a bottle of pills hoping to escape her life. I don't think I've ever told anyone that and we don't talk about it that much now. It eats away at me, knowing I could have lost my best friend. And to have it almost happen again....

I keep everything bottled up inside me. I don't like talking to people about problems because I don't want to get emotional. For some reason I think crying is weak. But it's not. Crying is a sign of strength.

So I talked about what happened. About my fears and my dreams and how scared I was. She promised she isn't going anywhere. I believe her. But I'm still scared out of my mind.



Sissy, if you ever leave me, I will ressurrect you and kick your fucking ass, okay? =) I love you! <3

I just want to disappear off the planet right now.

Poem

I trust you with my life, but not yet with my heart.
You shattered it once before and some pieces are still missing.
I'm sorry we're both hurt by this, but sometimes sorry isn't enough.
Time heals all wounds and that's what I need.
Time.
And even though you've hurt me in the worst way,
I'd rather live with that pain than live without you in my life.




(Something I wrote about two years ago.)

My Aunt

There's something about her that I can't put my finger on. She draws me in. I love her to pieces and I absolutely hate saying goodbye to her. Seriously. I cry. She cries. It's one big cry-fest. I hate crying when I leave her. I get yelled at. Really. But I don't know why I do it. I thought I did, but I may be wrong.

I've been attatched to her ever since I can remember. Seriously, when she was there, you could be damn sure I was right beside her. Or in her arms, depending on how small I was....

Strangers always compliment me on how much I look like my "mom". And I really used to wonder about it. But I know that isn't true.

Like a moth to a flame, I'm drawn to her. I hate it but I love it. She's the only one who can break my heart in the worst way. But I love her.

*shrugs*

Wondering

So lately I've been having weird dreams. Two to be exact. The first one I had was early last Sunday morning. It didn't seem out of the ordinary. At least not at first. I was walking around the airport with Mackenzie(not out of the ordinary since she tends to pop up in my subconscious) and we were talking about something, but I can't remember what it was. It was almost like talking with telepathy. I sat down at one of the terminals and she promised to be right back after making a phone call. While I was sitting there a man sat down beside me. He put his hand on my thigh and asked "Is this okay?" When I turned to him, it was John Phillips, who oddly enough looks a bit like my father. I woke up with my heart pounding. It bothered me. I don't know what exactly it was that kept the dream in the back of my mind all day, but it was there. Constantly wanting to be acknowledged. I wasn't sure what to make of it. I'm still not sure what to make of it.

My second dream was early this morning. About 1:30. I was in that floating stage where you're half awake, half asleep. Everything seems kind of fuzzy. But I was talking to my mom about something, I think I was telling her about the dream I had the other week. She looked at me and said "Oh, well your father did something when you were little." I bolted up from my bed and began shaking.

I don't know what's real and what's not. And I'm not sure I want to. If something happened, it would complete the puzzle. Why do I hate my dad so much? It came out of nowhere. I was pissed with what he was putting me and my mom through, but why do I hate him?

I don't know....